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The Dandy Boys
Danville's Most Wanted
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The following persons are considered extremely dangerous. If you happen to see them, contact the Dandy Boys immediately!

Andrew Van Vliet
Known as "The Mischievous Mormon" to his associates, this thug has terrorized our city for years. He recently was busted twice for speeding in a residential district. These horrendous crimes are sadly only the beginning of the story behind Van Vliet. His temper is described as that of a 'raging narwhal', and he has a natural criminal instinct. Whether it be robbing the elderly, mugging the handicapped or kicking blind puppies, Van Vliet always seems to have his shoe in a big dog shit of trouble. The Dandy Boys have apprehended V.V. on several occasions, kicked his ass and then let him go. We would very much like to see him locked away though.

Andrew and one of his "hoochies"

Michael Evans:
A conniving thief and sensual lover, 'Mitch' is also known for his seemingly limitless rage. He is said to be a tender, sweet boy at heart, but few live to see that side of Mitch, as he is prone to breaking random people in half. The Dandy Boys have come close to capturing Mitch, but decided it wasn't worth losing any limbs over, so they're letting him roam free. They just hope someday he'll be caught in a bear trap and this Mitch dilemma will end itself. Mitch is known to haunt the local bathhouses and is rarely seen fully clothed, due to his predilection for ripping his shirt off in anger.


Charles Percival-Bailey Patterkins
This rapscallion has been at the top of our list for quite a long time. Patterkins' father, Brutus Webster Patterkins, was a wealthy cardboard salesman, known for his close ties with The Godfather. Patterkins grew up a spoiled child, and developed a taste for crime in his teenage years. He was arrested for robbery, assault, sodomy and tax evasion all before his 18th birthday. Patterkins is infamous at most private country clubs for his unsportsmanlike behavior on the Polo field, and dirty remarks in the sauna. Charles spends much of his time in his family's palatial estate in Blackhawk, where he is guarded by an army of trained attack-zebras and flying monkeys. If you see Patterkins on the street please punch him in the mouth, then call us immediately.

Smug little bastard...

Mad Mike "Brains" DeCarlo
The once mild mannered nerdy sidekick of the Dandy Boys, Brains has officially become the D-Boys' arch nemesis. This baffling metamorphosis occurred late one night in the Dandy Boys' lab, where Brains spent most of his time working on secret experiments. Earlier that day, the Boys had been roughhousing around in the lab, and accidentally demolished Brains new invention, a solar powered car that wouldve successfully eliminated the need for fossil fuels. Brains started whining, so the Boys locked him in his lab and went out to dinner. When they awoke the next day Brains was gone, and the lab was empty. They thought nothing of it until people in Danville began inexplicably turning into walruses, fruitbaskets, and fruit scented walrus baskets. Our suspicions were also aroused when Brains signed our guestbook, insulting us dearly. Since then weve pursued Brains on a daily basis - that is, Tuesdays and Fridays, and also Sundays if we're awake.


Merv "Candyfingers" O'Grady
Candyfingers has been hot on the playground scene for the past thirty years, ever since he got laid off from work at the Jellybean factory (hence the nickname). It's said that a nine year old boy's sense of smell can detect Candyfingers' lollipop-scented hands at a distance of 500 yards. Our not-so-friendly neighbor O'Grady knows this, and uses his gift to lure his victims into his swimming pool, where he plays Marco Polo with them. It all sounds like fun and games until O'Grady finally has his way with them... Just as the game is getting intense, and his young victim is playing the tragic role of "Marco", Candyfingers slips underwater and derobes them. Then, disregarding all international rules of Marco Polo, O'Grady drains the pool and runs into his house with the boys' bathing suits, laughing hysterically. The young'uns are left to walk home naked in shame, their undeveloped manhood shriveled by hours in the water, and their hearts sunk by the cruel games of Candyfingers.

His eyes wide, Candyfingers spots a new victim

Blake Olsen
Sometimes goes by the monikers 'Jorge', 'Peps', 'Nips/Nippies', 'Olsenator', 'Dante Popparino' or 'Red Cheeks'. He is easily recognized by his ample nipples and perpetually flushed cheeks. After being tormented in second grade for his chunkiness, Blake fled to Eastern Europe, where he was trained by Slovenian terrorists. Today he is a silent, deadly assassin, striking at any time and leaving no shred of evidence for us to convict him with. Blake has been caught for petty crimes before like car theft or arson, but has always distracted the inconceivably stupid Danville 'police' with his hypnotic mammary glands and escaped into the night. The Dandy Boys are just waiting for him to slip up, and when he does we will pounce on him like half-starved, rabid babboons.
The picture below was taken by an amateur Danville photographer, who was tragically devoured by Blake immediately after snapping the photo.

Caught in the act!

The Godfather:
We're not sure who he is, or where he came from but The Godfather has been running this town for too long. Back in the '50s he started the Danville crime syndicate, Los Basureros. Since then he has kept an evil influence all around Danville. The Dandy Boys could've killed him by now, but their many assassination attempts have been thwarted by poor weather, doctor's appointments, homework and pure stupidity. We do promise that the Godfather won't be around for too long.


Butch "Sugar Hips" Larouche
Sugar Hips has been a particularly femenine thorn in the Dandy Boys' side for quite a while. He left the country at the age of 17 to train at the Royal Ballet Institute of Moscow, and learned to use his graceful leaps and dips to outrun authorities. Upon his return to Danville he formed a gang of tight-wearing miscreants called the Softies. They are known for their vicious knife fights (see Michael Jackson's video for "Bad") and their flawless pirouettes. Butch and his ballet boys often dazzle the Dandy Boys with their Christmas time performances of 'The Nutcracker' and their interpretive dance program. The choreography is marvelous, just marvelous. Back to the point: Butch is a serious street thug and all efforts must be taken to avoid him, and especially avoid eye contact with his crotch when he's wearing tights, because you will be utterly mesmerized.

Graceful, AND "Gangsta"

Barnaby Fisticuffs
This crook has been up to no good ever since he was just smoke in his daddy's eyes. He runs a lucrative smuggling business, dealing in gold, marble tiling, uranium, babies and silk handkerchiefs to name but a few. Barnaby is under constant surveillance, but we have yet to catch him. Look out for cases involving Barnaby on the In Depth Cases page.

Hey nice matching outfit......NOT!